I really have no idea how I came across this, maybe from a random google search, perhaps it just popped up as an Instagram ad, but a while ago I came across a gift that cracked me up. It was this eloquent looking box, though when you open it up, inside was a veiny chocolate penis, and the inner lid read, “Eat a Dick!”. I was in love…
But the cost for this gift was a bit higher than I deemed fair for its value, plus shipping wasn’t included. So I figured, what the hell, let’s just DIY it.
So I quickly went into creative mode:
MATERIALS NEEDED
- Silicone Penis Mold: Found mine on Etsy for around $10. It did take eight days to get, but I had plenty of time for this project so that was not an issue.
- Masking or Painter’s Tape: This helps keep both halves of the mold tight during the molding process.
- Fancy Gift Box: It was the start of the holiday season, so my Dollar Tree had these really nice small gift boxes with sparkly swirls. Added a touch of eloquence.
- Printable Sticker, Vinyl or Label Paper: Given this was a simple gag gift, I happened to have full sheet Label Paper I accidentally purchased a while ago. It has a matte finish. For this project I felt the punchline was all that was needed, and not so much the quality of paper it was printed on.
- Chocolate: I guess this would be a personal preference, but I simply went with milk chocolate in case the recipient decides they do in fact want to eat a dick.
- Pots to melt the chocolate: I used two pots, one slightly smaller than the other. A double boiler would be idea.
- Tissue Paper: Or really anything to hold the chocolate dong into place inside the box. Again I went with cheap here, and grabbed some tissue paper when I purchased the gift boxes.
MAKE YOUR EDIBLE PENIS(es)
First thing’s first you should clean out your new mold before using.
Put the two molds together making sure they are lining up correctly. Taking your tape , tightly tape around the entire tip of the mold. The tape will not stick to the silicone, but will adhere to itself. Do the same around the base. Finally secure a strip of tape snuggly around the middle.
Next we melt our chocolate. I don’t have a double boiler so instead I just used one medium and one small sized pot. Add water a little less than halfway up the side in the medium pot. Bring to a boil, then top it with the small pot. Turn down the burner a little and add the chocolate. Consistently stir the chocolate with a rubber or silicone spatula while it melts so it doesn’t burn at the bottom.
Once the chocolate is completely melted, it is time to pour it into our mold.
I try to pour the first bit directly down the center so there aren’t any surprise air bubbles on the tip of the willy. Slowly and steadily pour the chocolate into the mold until it is almost perfectly level with the top opening (which is the base of the member).
The next step is to get as many trapped air bubbles out of your mold. To do so, gently tap your mold onto the countertop multiple times until you see bubbles rise to the opening. and you Be careful not to compromise the inner seal or shape of the mold.. Take particular note at how ridiculous you look as you acknowledge you are tapping a dick mold on the counter in a jerking off motion. I personally laughed at myself repeating, “What is my life?!”.
To keep the mold upright I used this liquid measuring container. Just find something that will keep your mold level and upright as it cools. Place it into the fridge for a bit as it cools. The cooling process is rather quick.
Since I invested in purchasing a penis mold, I decided that the entire friend group would be getting a chocolate dong for the holidays. So after every 10-minute cool down session I would demould the penis, put it into a freezer bag and set up my mold again for the next one. In around an hour I had six edible shlongs in my freezer.
PACKAGING
Once all of my candy dingalings were prepared, it was time to put together the boxes. Measuring the inside of the lid, I found my design space would need to be 5 1/2″ x 8″.
I don’t have Adobe Illustrator or similar, so I simply made a canvas that size in my Procreate App.
Then I chose a font and designed a border. This took only a few minutes because simplicity was key for this project. To keep the dimensions of my canvas, I changed the Canvas dimensions to 8.5×11”. Then, with a printable label or sticker paper loaded, I sent it to my printer.
I cut down the sticker paper to the measurements of the box lid. Then I peeled back one corner of the backing and lined up my sticker to the inner lid. Once it was properly placed, I carefully pulled back the backing while simultaneously adhering the sticker with my other hand as to not trap any air bubbles.
At this stage all that is needed to do is insert something to keep the chocolate penis in place. I opted for tissue paper. I crumpled the paper in a way that was intentful, not just clumpy balls.
I waited until the night before our gift exchange to insert the actual chocolate into the boxes and kept them in a cool place. I definitely didn’t want any melting or distorting. Though I will say, the chocolate was very dense, so you don’t have to be overly concerned about that.
Lastly I tied a ribbon around the box to secure the lid in place. The lid already had a tight seal so this was optional, but a little extra touch never hurts.
AND THAT’S IT!
Now marvel at your handiwork…
For this project I spent under $16.00 for the Etsy-purchased penis mold (including shipping). I grabbed 6 boxes at the Dollar Tree. The milk chocolate chips were around $4.00/package and I believe I made all six chocolate wangs with 3 bags. I already had some cheap label paper, so that part was no additional cost. Adding up supplies, this project cost me just over $30.00, or around $5.00 per gag gift.
But even if you had to buy absolutely everything: a package of label paper, (currently under $7.00 for a 50-pack on Amazon), Dollar Tree painter’s tape and decorative ribbon, these gifts would still only cost about $7.00 each.
Paying for the original one I came across would have still made for a funny gift, sure. But the one I made was incredibly less expensive and had a slightly handmade quality to it that expresses to someone, “hey, I like you so much that I took time out of my life to make you this thing”, even if that thing is an edible dildo. Plus the look on their face as they first process the joke, then immediately switch to a concerned look of, “what, is this a replica of YOUR penis???” …priceless.
So get out there and made some wankers or come up with your own ideas. Get creative, have fun and make some weird shit!
…Okay, bye.